THE FASTER YOU ARE, THE MORE POPULAR YOU BECOME!

There's been a lot of talk lately about "slut-shaming" and "feminism."  Not in my apartment, mind you.  There, we mostly debate the benefits vs. the side effects of Latisse.  I mean it is quite the conundrum -- the longer your lashes, the browner your eyes may permanently become.  It's a horrible truth!  I now know how Solomon must have felt.  And Meryl Streep when she had to choose between her children in order to win an Oscar.  No matter what people say, I think it is not too much to ask that offspring should give their lives for a golden statuette.  You gave them that life in the first place.  It's an even trade! 

But I digress.  Swift Creek Mill Playhouse has been having quite the success with the hard hitting, feminist manifesto, The Dixie Swim Club.  Every performance features a theater full of women standing and shouting for Equality Now and Equality Forever!  Or perhaps that was just the performance I was at.  Or perhaps just my seat.  In any event, I was inspired.  I am all about womyn power  . . . at least, when it benefits me.  In the face of a particularly nice necklace, well, "Equality" becomes just another artificial sweetener.

As I was saying though, it was simply refreshing to hear a group of women announcing that it is better to be "fast."  And then drinking to it!  These ladies give a whole new meaning to promiscuity!  There is husband stealing, unfortunate side effects of what is clearly a 50 Shades of Grey relationship, and a PREGNANT NUN!  This is Agnes of God, if Agnes of God actually made sense!

Now, I will admit that the playwrights are MEN.  So, it's only natural that they put in a few judgmental, anti-women plot points.  The nun suffers agonizing childbirth in a car; God smites the women with a hurricane; there is cancer given as karma to the sluttiest lady; and there is death.  But these are a mere quibble with what is otherwise a piece of literature that rivals The Beauty Myth, The Feminine Mystique, and The Hunger Games.

The faster you are, the sooner you "win."  And you know what they mean by "win," don't you?  They are not talking the lottery, dear readers.  "O" no. 

Now, I will admit to quoting out of context, which I often do when drunk.  I believe the original scriptural language talked about "swimming" fast, but clearly that is a reference to all the "fish" in the "sea."  "If" you "get" my meaning.  Wink. Wink.  Ow, these Latisse eyelashes are rather sharp!

I believe the show closes tomorrow, which should give the ladies more time to do what they do best.  If you get my drift.   And I don't mean an ocean drift.  Or Drifty the Snowman.  Thank you.