Friday, August 27, 2010

Leaving Florida

What ho everyone!

I am pleased to report that the Florida visit has been a smashing success! Sometimes one's talent just shines through no matter what obstacles have been placed in one's way. Although I did not get a callback for the Three Kings, my video "Wacko Scarlett has Balls" is a sensational smash hit. According to Entertainment Tonight, it is the most popular viral video, beating out the rescue of the alligator in the Chicago river. (Seriously, was there even a contest there?).

Donnie and I must, however, leave the sunshine state. Apparently, Donnie's friend who graciously let us stay in his abode for free unexpectedly returned early. Instead of our usual morning spent doing yoga and purging, Donnie and I took a boot camp class as we climbed out the second story window, dove into the pool and ran towards the gates. Quite a workout given my high heels.

So, what ho! we are on our way back to Broadway. And Mother, while I appreciate your offer to knit my new headshot, I must turn you down. I don't think merrino wool is a star maker.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Pearl Earrings Can Distract

I am thinking about trying something new with my headshots. Since a photograph can't really capture my glow, I am forced to consider alternatives. Like a painting. Or perhaps a sculpture. So, I'm in the market for an artist. I am prepared to barter with a reading from my one woman show, "Monique: Last Friday." It's the last in a trilogy.

Whoever did Scarlett Johansson's headshot here need not apply.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


I am sad to report that Florida directors are entirely without taste. Not only did I not get cast in "The Three Kings," I did not even get a callback. AND I was actually fined for making heel marks on the floor. Honestly! A shiny wood floor with painted lines and circles is hardly appropriate for a biblical epic. And it's one thing to time an audition, but to have a gigantic clock ticking down to zero is somewhat distracting to say the least.

However, even through all that, my performance as Scarlett in my audition monologue was heartbreaking and . . . well . . . difficult to remember as I was hit in the head with a ball just as I was describing how the "war talk was spoiling all the fun." When I regained consciousness, the Puppet was single-handedly saving Tara from a blazing fire. The fire truck was not exactly period, but I appreciated his commitment to costuming.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

And I Thought Reality TV Was The Problem

I have discovered why it is so hard to get roles nowadays. Surely, if I had moved to NYC in my 20's, the offers would have been pouring in. And certainly, my talent has not waned. So, what is the problem?Puppets. They are taking over and taking roles that should be played by flesh and blood.

I don't know whether you are aware of this, but there is a show that used to be on BROADWAY that is headlined by PUPPETS. And not even whole puppets. Half puppets. No legs. And apparently, no innards. It was shocking and came with absolutely no warning of the graphic nature of the "entertainment." [shudder] [reapply make-up]

I thought perhaps the little buggers had not infiltrated the regional theatre scene, but here they are at my recent audition. And look at my so-called friend right there in the middle chatting up the wannabees. Revolting!!! Personally, I feel, if you want to kiss up to someone, you should pick someone who can move and speak without a hand up their nether regions. Call me bigoted; it's just how I feel.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Matchy Matchy

I have decided to take some tourist shots for Mother of the locale. Here you can see that the Puppet's complexion matches the local flora. Need I say more?

Florida, it is I, Monique! And the Puppet

What ho everybody!

We finally made it to sunny Florida and I am attempting to set up my audition for the three kings. Donny insisted we go to Key West first to the Aqua Nightclub. I had no idea that Donny knew so much about art. He must have really liked it because I haven't seen the poor boy since then. I was appalled that the performers were lip synching, since I am able to do all my own vocals while sweating over a hot stove. Inga agreed to take singing lessons from me! I am so thrilled, although she is quite, quite tall. And her voice is very deep. But as mother says if it were easy it would be too easy. Inga did say she could hook me up with a LaBron James look alike, which I think is a step in the right direction.

Of course, my presence here in sunny Florida has created a media feeding frenzy. Much to my astonishment the Puppet is beloved here. His orangey complexion is envied! Some of the public, though, have taken to snapping photos of the Puppet without me. I do allow the press to take one or two photos of him before I put him back in my purse. I am also having to fend off constant questions being shouted at us, the most frequent one being whether the Puppet is Snooki's boyfriend. I do so tire of having to explain the Situation to the poor deluded public.