Midwest blues

I should know better than to listen to the Puppet for travel advice. He told me that we should go to Chicago to escape the blizzard heading our way on Broadway. I normally wouldn't go to any second rate city, but I thought since it was in the mid WEST it would be warmer. I needed to revive my skin, which had been taking on an appalling reddish hue. I blame a groupon discount facial I had at a Chinatown spa--unfortunately, I purchased 200 of them. So we took our meager Christmas money (Grandmother keeps talking about the recession, but I don't see her selling any of her K-47's to pay her mortage) and here we are.

In addition to the frigid temperatures and snow, the wind has made a disaster of my hair. The Puppet refused to help me hold my hairstyle in place, insisting that he stay in my pocket to keep warm. We ducked into a rather large gothic looking building where I thought we could run laps indoors. Sadly, the Field Museum is an actual museum featuring old bones and dirty, dusty old things with lots of children running around. Appalling.

I did, however, make a wonderful discovery. We were herded into the Sue the T Rex robotics exhibit. I looked positively nymphlike and exquisite next to her! The Puppet and I spent all day there and I felt so empowered that I canceled my next therapy session.

What ho!

Dixie Swimming

I headed to Richmond recently for a production of the modern classic, The Dixie Swim Club, at a off-off-Broadway theatre dedicated to the musical CATS. Naturally, at such a feline-inspired theatre, I expected a rousing rendition of something jellical, litter boxes in the bathroom, or at least an all-cat version of Sylvia. Strangely, I experienced none of the above.

The play was a modern commentary on costumes and wigs throughout the ages. Personally, I would never allow myself to be cast in a role where I would play someone OLDER than myself. Truth be known, I could never really be cast as someone who is actually my age. While I don't flatter myself to think I could carry off anything less than 13 convincingly, I also understand that nobody would believe me as a woman in her, well, over 35.

The MOST impressive part of the evening was that these aquatic women would regularly leave the stage to go for a swim in their wigs. I don't know what was more fascinating: the fact that the set included an off-stage ocean or the ability of the women to blow out and set their tresses during a scene change.

And kudos to the actress who actually had to die each night. This part seems especially hard to cast, unless you are paid in advance. I myself tend to only accept parts where I am alive for the curtain call.

Headshots

I'm Monique, and it's been 72 hours since my last headshot. I know, I know!!! They barely look like me anymore! As such, I am packing my gowns, jewelry, and turbans and heading for Richmond, Virginia for new headshots this weekend.

Why Richmond, you may ask? Well, the Puppet wants to see one of his idols (pictured above), appearing this weekend at Richmond Triangle Players. I thought I'd tag along and utilize some confederate stonework as a background for my new photographs. I thought for a while about using a handmade mosaic of my face as my headshot, and I may still go that route in the future, but until then, it occurred to me that my career would be boosted most profitably by subliminal messages regarding the South.

How, you may ask? Well, allow me . . . the South condoned slavery, handcuffs are metal, metallics bring out my complexion, thank you for the compliment. And please don't pass this around on actor message boards or what-not. Before you know it, EVERYONE will have their headshots done astride the Lee Monument, and I cannot bear imitation. I mean, for heaven's sake, Arthur Ashe never leaves Monument Avenue -- you would think that certainly he's had a good shot taken by now!!

I will post my new masterpieces upon my return.

New Friends and Diet Tips

I have some most excellent news. My newly-codified BFF, the Puppet, has managed to become rather close with actual Off-Broadway stars. Apparently, they have "lots in common." Whatever. Their horrifying spray tans aside, these new friends seem like they could really open doors!!

I will be honest though. Once you get them away from their odious hangers-on, they really have very little to say. Happily, I've never found that a problem in my personal relationships, as I have enough conversational skills for a small village! What ho! I will write more when I return from the cast party! I must go sew strings onto my hands and feet so that I will fit in -- a little inside tip on the next sure fashion trend!

Oh, and do you know the best part of this puppet trend? These performers have NO ESOPHAGUS!!! It's true!!! The food they chomp on just falls out of their mouth; there is no way for it to be digested!! It sounds like a pricey procedure and is rather disgusting to watch, but I will be looking into it immediately.

How some puppets are fat is beyond me.

Leaving Florida

What ho everyone!



I am pleased to report that the Florida visit has been a smashing success! Sometimes one's talent just shines through no matter what obstacles have been placed in one's way. Although I did not get a callback for the Three Kings, my video "Wacko Scarlett has Balls" is a sensational smash hit. According to Entertainment Tonight, it is the most popular viral video, beating out the rescue of the alligator in the Chicago river. (Seriously, was there even a contest there?).

Donnie and I must, however, leave the sunshine state. Apparently, Donnie's friend who graciously let us stay in his abode for free unexpectedly returned early. Instead of our usual morning spent doing yoga and purging, Donnie and I took a boot camp class as we climbed out the second story window, dove into the pool and ran towards the gates. Quite a workout given my high heels.

So, what ho! we are on our way back to Broadway. And Mother, while I appreciate your offer to knit my new headshot, I must turn you down. I don't think merrino wool is a star maker.

Pearl Earrings Can Distract

I am thinking about trying something new with my headshots. Since a photograph can't really capture my glow, I am forced to consider alternatives. Like a painting. Or perhaps a sculpture. So, I'm in the market for an artist. I am prepared to barter with a reading from my one woman show, "Monique: Last Friday." It's the last in a trilogy.

Whoever did Scarlett Johansson's headshot here need not apply.

Unbelievable!

I am sad to report that Florida directors are entirely without taste. Not only did I not get cast in "The Three Kings," I did not even get a callback. AND I was actually fined for making heel marks on the floor. Honestly! A shiny wood floor with painted lines and circles is hardly appropriate for a biblical epic. And it's one thing to time an audition, but to have a gigantic clock ticking down to zero is somewhat distracting to say the least.

However, even through all that, my performance as Scarlett in my audition monologue was heartbreaking and . . . well . . . difficult to remember as I was hit in the head with a ball just as I was describing how the "war talk was spoiling all the fun." When I regained consciousness, the Puppet was single-handedly saving Tara from a blazing fire. The fire truck was not exactly period, but I appreciated his commitment to costuming.

And I Thought Reality TV Was The Problem

I have discovered why it is so hard to get roles nowadays. Surely, if I had moved to NYC in my 20's, the offers would have been pouring in. And certainly, my talent has not waned. So, what is the problem?Puppets. They are taking over and taking roles that should be played by flesh and blood.

I don't know whether you are aware of this, but there is a show that used to be on BROADWAY that is headlined by PUPPETS. And not even whole puppets. Half puppets. No legs. And apparently, no innards. It was shocking and came with absolutely no warning of the graphic nature of the "entertainment." [shudder] [reapply make-up]

I thought perhaps the little buggers had not infiltrated the regional theatre scene, but here they are at my recent audition. And look at my so-called friend right there in the middle chatting up the wannabees. Revolting!!! Personally, I feel, if you want to kiss up to someone, you should pick someone who can move and speak without a hand up their nether regions. Call me bigoted; it's just how I feel.

Matchy Matchy

I have decided to take some tourist shots for Mother of the locale. Here you can see that the Puppet's complexion matches the local flora. Need I say more?

Florida, it is I, Monique! And the Puppet

What ho everybody!

We finally made it to sunny Florida and I am attempting to set up my audition for the three kings. Donny insisted we go to Key West first to the Aqua Nightclub. I had no idea that Donny knew so much about art. He must have really liked it because I haven't seen the poor boy since then. I was appalled that the performers were lip synching, since I am able to do all my own vocals while sweating over a hot stove. Inga agreed to take singing lessons from me! I am so thrilled, although she is quite, quite tall. And her voice is very deep. But as mother says if it were easy it would be too easy. Inga did say she could hook me up with a LaBron James look alike, which I think is a step in the right direction.


Of course, my presence here in sunny Florida has created a media feeding frenzy. Much to my astonishment the Puppet is beloved here. His orangey complexion is envied! Some of the public, though, have taken to snapping photos of the Puppet without me. I do allow the press to take one or two photos of him before I put him back in my purse. I am also having to fend off constant questions being shouted at us, the most frequent one being whether the Puppet is Snooki's boyfriend. I do so tire of having to explain the Situation to the poor deluded public.

Fitting In

Well, what ho! everyone. I am still in Richmond, Virginia awaiting Donny's arrival for our trip to sunny Florida. His first mistake was letting Dr. Walker write a check for his salary. Honestly, one must demand cash, especially from fledgling psychiatrists.

While here I have decided to eschew orange juice as I did notice my complexion had taken on a rather tangy tone. I have also made the most marvelous discovery here in the capital of the Confederacy: corsets! My figure has never looked better and I have not been to hot yoga in several days. I look absolutely stunning. Of course, breathing in and out is a little encumbered, but one must suffer to be beautiful. Although suffering by itself does not guarantee beauty, just ask Dr. Walker.

PULP

On my way to sunny Florida, I stopped off in Richmond, Virginia, to see a production entitled PULP at the Richmond Triangle Players. It seemed apropos since I am traveling to the land of Orange Juice. Unfortunately, I could not spot any citrus of any kind on stage. There was a well stocked bar, to be sure, but not one screwdriver was served.

I was most impressed by the actresses playing lesbians and men and lesbian men. As I play a gender-bending character myself 40 hours a week and overtime during holidays, I can attest to the level of difficulty. I also got the brilliant idea that Manny could wear designer high heels. Why not? It will still be drag, but more in the 40's style apparently.

I politely asked for my money back at the close of the show, explaining that the reason I attended the performance in the first place was so that I could be well versed in all aspects of Florida culture. I was denied a refund, encouraged to participate in a raffle for gift baskets that touted Virginia peanuts and contained no sunshine fruit whatsoever, and eventually left in a huff. Pulp, indeed.

Star Island

What ho, everybody! The puppet has just told me that King James is not coming to New York. Instead a new production entitled "The Three Kings" will be premiering in Miami in the fall. What ho! I have the puppet working on getting me an audition for the lead female role.

Donny has told me that he is due a vacation from Dr. Walker and he was planning on going to South Beach to check out the scenery. He said we can stay at -- STAR ISLAND. I am humbled that an entire island has been set aside for actual stars of my caliber. Vacations can be so trifling when one is forced to mingle with the commoners.

Everything is falling into place. I have begun my seaweed treatments in preparation for the hot and humid island air.

Now, I must come up with a way to earn bus fare.

Heat wave

It is so hot outside today. The theatre is dark. The manager called and the air conditioning is not on. I know the people will be very upset to miss my performance. I shall use my time studying my lines for King James. What ho everybody.

King James

I am most excited. First, I have learned how to text message. Indeed, it is not all that hard, although truthfully sometimes my fingers slip a little due to the actual grease I am using as Manny. But one must suffer for his art. What ho! another text message to me. Oh, it's from Donny. Poor poor Donny. Oh, Dear. "I hate Aunt Frieda." What does he mean? I must reply. "Try Turmeric as a natural anti inflammatory". Good advice, if not on point.

Speaking of my point or the reason for my excitement. KING JAMES may be coming to new york. It is all the buzz at the theatre. Several of the waitresses have told me that this LeBron James, whoever he is, may become a Knick, whatever that is. The trifles of "the deal" are not as important as the question of whether there is a part for me in King James. I shall call mother immediately.

Tony-Schmony

What ho! I must blog my reactions to this year’s Tony Awards. And I don’t have to tell you that I had the most marvelous seat for this prestigious awards show. I had an unobstructed view to the new plasma screen television display at Best Buy. I once had to fend off the remote from a salesman but art won out! I am dismayed at how many Hollywood types are winning Tony awards. It takes more than a pretty face to act to the back row. I also was shocked that there IS NO category for dinner theatre. I am outraged and shall begin my letter writing campaign to change this. Letter writing worked in the Shawshank Redemption and I shall have mine.

What ho, Universe!!

Yes, it is I, Monique. I, who was certain that computers were so 1998. Indeed, while it does not happen often, I can certainly admit when I am wrong. For instance, coffee enemas, despite my assertions to the contrary, are not for everyone.

Now, as I leap into the web of the world, I had to think carefully about my methods. I could Tweet of course, but perhaps that would make me TOO accessible. Plus, the name is juvenile and makes me think of a round yellow bird who is in great need of aerobic exercise.

I could join Facebook, and in fact I did at one time. But it was too disheartening when I had 5,653 “not attending” responses to my cabaret performance at the 59th Street Subway Platform. I know my Grandmother’s comments regarding the fact that she was going to use the performance as an opportunity to solicit signatures for her “Arm the Children” campaign was off-putting, but she said if I defriended her, my trust fund was history.

And a webpage costs money. Honestly, people should pay me to post pictures and such. If you have to pay to have people view, well honestly that’s just sad. I mean, you don’t see Meryl Streep with a webpage, do you? Well, at least, I couldn’t find it, and I can Gaggle with the best of them.

So, until my reality show deal is finalized, this free blogging thing seems the way to go. It is I, Monique. Raw. Uncensored. I won’t even run spellcheck! It’s the way I roll, or rather the way I walk gracefully in very high heels.